Holy Fuck
Adam fucks Eve,
Noah fucks Naamah,
their son Ham walks in on Noah naked and drunk as fuck,
so Noah curses Ham’s son,
for centuries people get fucked for being descendants of Ham,
but the descendant of Noah’s other son Shem,
Abram, aka Abraham,
he receives a covenant not a curse,
Abraham fucks Sarah,
he fucks Hagar, too, a slave,
Abraham fucks Hagar over, and her son Ishmael,
and nearly fucking kills Isaac, the son of Sarah
whose uncle-in-law, Lot, fucks his wife
who gives birth to daughters,
two of whom fuck their father because he offered them up to be gang-raped
and/or to keep the family line alive,
so the Lord fucks the Sodomites,
Jacob fucks Leah and Rachel,
he also fucks Bilhah and Zilpah,
Jacob’s favorite son Joseph gets fucked by his brothers,
thrown in a pit, left to die under the sun,
but fucking A, the Midianites pull Joseph out,
but fuck a dog, the Midianites sell Joseph,
for twenty silver shekels, to the Ishmaelites, who bring him to Egypt,
but Joseph, O Joseph,
he becomes steward to Potiphar,
No fucking way,
Yes fucking way,
but Potiphar’s wife, O Potiphar’s wife,
she wants to fuck Joseph,
Joseph refuses,
so she fucks him over,
accuses him of trying to forcibly fuck her,
gets Joseph imprisoned,
but if I’m lying I’m dying, Joseph does well in prison,
interprets the fuck out of a dream,
keeps the Egyptians from getting fucked during famine,
so Pharoah frees him and makes him Vizier,
Wouldn’t you fucking believe it, Joseph’s brothers end up standing before him,
falsely accused, just like him,
they don’t recognize Joseph,
he recognizes them,
he pretends to fuck them over,
he calls them spies,
but all ends well,
the whole family settles in the land of Goshen,
the land of Goshen is in Egypt,
where Joseph is buried,
but Moses, O Moses,
he leaves Egypt,
he splits the sea,
or the sea parts for him,
Moses sees the fucking Lord in a burning bush,
obeying the Lord, Moses brings down the law,
after the molten calf, Moses lays the law down fierce,
but fuck if he sees the promised land,
Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
made holy by David,
David the shepherd boy, the king, the psalmist,
who the Christians say Jesus descended from,
who the Muslims call a prophet,
David, famous for knocking Goliath the fuck out,
David, infamous for ordering the murder of Uriah the Hittite
whose wife, Bathsheba,
David fucked to make his own.
