Definition of Sex —Claudio Garcia
Verb. Informal.
To present something in a more interesting or lively way.
I see a bottle of pride
themed nail polish at Walgreens.
A bottle of glue and glitter,
lazily smashed together.
Smash:
Millennial slang for sex.
Smash:
To violently break into pieces.
The little bottle reminds me of the first time
I touched another man's little
cock, when my nails were a baby blue.
When I was still trying to be gay.
It reminds me of the awkward shyness
of my first Grindr profile.
I have just turned 18.
I look significantly younger than my age.
Many men call me cute
immediately before or after
sending me a photo
of their cocks. The photo of the face
comes after, if it comes at all.
There are men in my hometown
whose names I never learned
that I could identify by cock
but not by face.
How do I be classy and humble
when staring at a stranger’s cock?
How to stay young and innocent
when asking to put him my mouth.
I met a man who's boyfriend was in his profile picture.
I keep my burning eyes
focused on my nails, the color
of sky and possibility,
as I slowly swallow.
As I become accustomed
to the taste of bleach
and sweat. Of men.
He says being with a virgin turns him on.
He says he'll use a lot of lube
as if he's doing me a favor.
I am waiting to be torn
open. I want him to find the meaning of pride
within me. I want to know what it is
to exist in pieces. I want to be smashed
open. I will do it on my knees
or on my back. Both a form
of submission prayer.
Community:
Noun. A body of __________
unified by common interests.
He cums in me and offers
me a rag. Leaves me sticky
and unsatisfied.
Pride:
a feeling of pleasure or deep satisfaction.
I am full of something
but it is not pride.
Looking:
shorthand for seeking casual sex.
On Grindr, there are certain things you always write in caps, such as:
LOOKING FOR FRIENDS ONLY
NO DICK PICS
CONDOMS ARE A MUST
MASC ONLY
that is, masc short for masculine.
Don’t be a fag.
Be little g gay.
Don’t like, make a big deal about it or anything.
What would your mother think
if she knew you were a bottom?
Top:
The penetrator.
The highest or most important rank.
The man.
Bottom:
The penetrated.
The buttocks.
The woman.
The faggot.
In contrast to millennial hook-up culture:
Rome, the origin of masculinity.
Rome, where being penetrated
by a man was a punishable offense.
Where penetrating another man
was a manly thing to do.
Grindr describes itself as a dating app.
Part of the “dating profile” includes “position”.
Sexual position made as essential
as religion or political beliefs, neither of which
are part of the profile.
I imagine that in gay bars, people once had to ask
are you a top or a bottom?
Do you give your cock as a gift?
Will you swallow mine as if it's air?
The ability to deep throat,
to take the cock into the throat,
to be without air,
to conquer the need to gag,
to redefine the body’s definition
of “intruder”
is a point of pride
for many gay men.
Myself included.
I am not gay.
It is easier to pretend that I am.
I find it easier to say the word cock
than bisexual.
Several months later,
the man to whom I lost my virginity
texts me
r u busy.
I say yes
so he offers me money.
The boyfriend is no longer in his profile picture.
For several days, I consider it.
For several months, I have been looking
for a job.
Eventually, I text back
sorry
you should find someone else.
Smash:
to destroy a barrier
between self and other.
The ass resists being entered
the way the body resists
any foreign intruder. The way a person
resists any other.
The first time my boyfriend
pushed past my walls
with a gentle groan, he was surprised
at how his boundaries changed.
The quiet after sex
is not unlike the quiet after a big change.
Maybe you are a little thirstier than before.
His Grindr profile said “bottom”
before it read “committed”.
It now reads “vers bottom”
as if he is unwilling to give up
that piece of him. Afraid
to be more than one.
I think of this fear
when I am inside him.
I think of how for many years
before we met
he lived in Vegas,
surrounded by the blinding lights
of what is impermissible anywhere else.
One time, he told me he dreamt of being a magician.
I am fond of a cliche trick:
where some young girl is placed into a box
and cut into pieces.
How lonely she must be, unable to find
company even in herself.
I wonder if she feels strange
when she is done. When she is placed
inside a single box once more.
